Erin Joy Henry

update: a story about faith

11/27/18

Several weeks ago I was in a gift shop in Jackson Hole. The night before, I had been so swallowed by a wave of grief after losing my mom on August 9 that I felt hopeless and dark inside. At night, with Baby Rayen by my side I spoke to my mom like a prayer. I asked her to show me she was there, guiding me. I wanted a sign so obvious that I would know 100 percent it was her.

I had forgotten what I had asked until the next morning when I was browsing a rack of greeting cards. A card in my favorite shade of green had writing on it that was difficult to make out so I stepped closer.

The text was simple and clear:

Find what brings you joy and go there
– Jan Phillips

Jan Phillips was the name of my mother exactly. She always told me my middle name was Joy because I brought so much joy into her life when I was born. And she knew Alex and I had been traveling trying to find the place we would settle and raise our family. Find what brings you joy and go there. So simple. So something my mom would say.

This was it, my neon sign. I bought the card and walked out the door, holding my tears until I was on the street. I had been having doubts that she was really here, that heaven was real, that I will ever see her again, that she’s watching me. This was the clear sign I had asked her for.

This sign and the other’s I know she has sent me don’t make it easier to not have her here. They do give me faith that spirit’s go on even when the body does not. I would give anything to see my mom again, but this was something. I just needed something.

This also reminds me of a quote I heard years ago by W.R. Inge.

“Faith begins as an experiment and ends as an experience.”

Isn’t that the truth? Keep the faith friends.

This advice made me a better mother

10/28/18

Almost three years ago, when I had just given birth to my second son, one of the most accomplished and loving friends I had offered me some advice. She had two boys, and was one of the few people I knew that truly had that life balance we are all striving for. I was completely overwhelmed and never thought I would learn to manage two small boys and anything else at all. She said “Erin, my secret is that I have really messy closets.” I was really confused by this. For one, I am a neat freak and the thought of messy closets or clutter of any sort gives me anxiety. Secondly, Michelle was the last person I would assume would have messy closets. What did that even mean?

As we talked more, I discovered she meant that everybody has to let something go if they have a desire to make space for the things that matter. In our case, our children. For her, in order to get the family/ meaningful career balance she desired, spending time organizing her closet and shopping for clothes had to go. She accepted that she could close the door on the mess and not let it drive her crazy. She also hired a stylist that shopped for a simple capsule collection of clothing for her to wear so she didn’t have to think about putting outfits together for her various teaching and speaking engagements. Done. No more time spent shopping and organizing. More time for her boys, completely undistracted.

I thought long and hard about what my messy closet was going to be. I was running myself ragged trying to work from home, cook, clean, nurse a new baby and care for a toddler AND husband. My messy closet is always changing but back then it was discontinuing a clean sweep of the house twice a day and letting go of a few friendships that just weren’t fulfilling anymore. I still cleaned up the house once a day, but in the time I would have spent doing it again, I would sit( no phone in hand) and read to my big boy while nursing my little. That little moment each day was the beginning of years of reading together and I’m so grateful for Michelle’s advice. I also got Alex to pitch in a bit more in that department! I still don’t have a literal messy closet but now that I have added yet another kid to the mix I have had to go through this process once again. What’s my messy closet now? The thing I’ve let go of lately so I can be a present mom is my wellness business. This was a big one and I thought long and hard about it. Will I go back to it someday? Maybe. For now, I ‘m doing my best to truly be at home with my small children and mother them and myself.

A great book along the lines of this same subject is called Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. No time to read? I listened to it while driving on Audible.

What is your messy closet? I would love to hear how other mother’s have shifted their life around to accommodate a family and career.

We had a baby

10/17/18

Rayen Carter Boyce is now eight weeks old. Her announcement was delayed because I have been emotionally depleted and have only been able to muster what it takes to care for my family after this emotionally intense year.

I am so grateful for the support I have received from friends and loved ones during my debilitating pregnancy and my mom’s short, devastating experience with brain cancer that took her life a few days before Rayen’s arrival.

I was emotionally and physically at an all time low when Ray was set to enter our world. I was very sad about this but still unable to pull myself out of the darkness when all I could think about was not being able to call my mom. Still, I wanted Ray to enter our world in a beautiful state.

One would assume that a third baby would just fly right out, but not Ray. Labor started and stopped so many times the doctor eventually decided to induce me. I was fine with it for no other reason than it was easier for me to organize childcare for my boys that way! It was a much different experience than my first birth with a midwife where I labored at home for most of the experience.

Once the induction began I asked for the epidural and waited. Let me rephrase that. Once the induction began and they inserted a balloon inside me to help things open faster, I asked for the epidural and waited. I couldn’t take any more pain. Much to the surprise of the staff, I waited over a day. Ray was not ready and I think it had everything to do with my mind not being ready. As I waited for my body to open, I spoke to some women who’s friendships I will treasure forever. It was a reminder how important it is not to let our female relationships dwindle as we become mother’s and wives. I told my friends of the trauma I experienced while next to my mom during end stage cancer, I cried about all the damage this pregnancy had done to my body that was medical, not just cosmetic. I wallowed in self pity because now I had three small children to take care of and life had sucked me dry. I didn’t know how I would possibly get it together. Honestly, I just wanted some Xanax and a hotel room to myself for a few days. Not really, but kind of.

I thank God for my friends. My friend Bernadett called me when my mind was really in the thick of it. I love her because she could have done what everyone else was doing ( feeling sorry for me) but she didn’t. She told me I could sit and tell her my sad story for days if I needed to, but at that moment my daughter needed me to be her mother. She needed me to cultivate a strong, feminine mindset to give birth into. She helped me speak to Ray about how I was going to give every ounce of my strength and spirit to welcome her into this world with loving arms. Loving arms that would hold her softly and nurture her as a mother is supposed to do.

Another friend called and reminded me that my mother and Ray were together until she decided to enter this world, so not to worry my labor was taking so long. My mom had departed and Ray was arriving, and my mom would wait with her until she was ready. This brought me some peace.

On August 15, 2018 at 10pm Rayen Carter Boyce made her entrance. We stayed in the hospital together for two more days and slept endlessly after our intense shared experience. The angel nurses helped me to honor both the joy and sadness I was feeling at the same time. The strength Ray has brought me has been a blessing, and my daughter will forever be a gift I was given at a time of tremendous loss. I’m so grateful she is here. Her brothers adore her and our family is complete.

Photos by Lauren Newman

http://www.lauren-newman.com

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